Letter: On Saying No Without Apologising

Friend,

I have been thinking, this week, about a small thing that took me half my life to learn: how to say no without apologising.

For most of my adult life, my no's came wrapped in three layers of softening. I would love to, but I'm so sorry, I just can't right now, I really wish the timing were different, please understand it's not because I don't want to.

The over-apologetic no does several things, none of them good. It signals that the no is provisional — that with a little pressure, it might become a yes. It puts the work of comforting me onto the person I'm declining. It makes the no harder to repeat next time, because the apology has implied I owe them something.

A clean no is shorter. Thanks for thinking of me. I'm not able to take this on. That's the whole sentence. No reasons given. No apology offered. No explanation of how busy you are.

It feels rude the first dozen times you do it. It is not. It is simply unfamiliar. After a year of saying clean no's, you start to realise something: the people who valued you for the right reasons keep coming back. The people who only valued you for what you produced for them quietly disappear. Both outcomes are improvements.

Your time is a resource, and the no is one of the few tools you have for protecting it. The apology is the leak through which the no's protective power escapes.

This week, if a request comes that you should refuse, see if you can say thanks for thinking of me. I'm not going to be able to — and stop there. Don't fill the silence that follows with reasons. Let the silence do its work.

Sit well this week.

— nomind

One quote:

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.

— Josh Billings

One practice:

Today, identify one thing on your calendar this week that should not be there. Send a clean message: I won't be able to make this. Thanks for understanding. Don't elaborate. Notice what happens.