A Loving-Kindness Meditation for Difficult People
A short version of the metta practice — the one that begins to soften the heart you thought was made of stone.
There is an old practice in the Buddhist tradition called metta — usually translated as loving-kindness. The practice is simple in shape: you sit, and you offer well-wishes silently to a series of people. It is also more confronting than it looks.
The shortened version, here, takes about seven minutes.
The practice
Sit comfortably. Three slow breaths.
Round one — yourself. Bring yourself to mind. The version of you sitting here, now. Repeat silently:
May I be safe. May I be at ease. May I be at peace.
Repeat the three lines four or five times, slowly. Let yourself mean them.
Round two — someone you love easily. A friend, a child, a pet, a parent who is easy. Hold them in mind. Same lines:
May you be safe. May you be at ease. May you be at peace.
Four or five rounds. Notice the warmth in the chest.
Round three — a stranger. Someone you saw today but do not know. The barista. The delivery driver. The person on the bus. Hold them in mind. Same lines.
This is the round where it starts to feel slightly artificial. Stay with it. The artificiality is the practice catching you in the assumption that strangers do not need wishing-well.
Round four — someone difficult. Now bring to mind one person who has been hard for you. Not the worst person you have known. Someone moderately difficult. Hold them in mind, gently. Same lines.
This is the round most people skip. Don't. Sit with the resistance. You are not condoning anything. You are not letting them off the hook. You are recognizing, briefly, that this person — whatever they have done — is also, at root, a being who would prefer to be safe and at ease and at peace.
It will be uncomfortable. That is the practice.
Round five — all beings. Open the wishes outward to everyone you can think of. May all beings be safe. May all beings be at ease. May all beings be at peace.
End with three slow breaths.
What this does
Nothing instantly. The first time, you may feel slightly silly. The fifth time, slightly less. The fiftieth, you will notice that the difficult person does not bother you the way they used to. You did not change them. You changed the relationship inside yourself.
This is one of the slowest and most reliable practices in this archive. It will take a year before you trust it. Sit with it anyway.
It is worth the year.